Dear Campus Advisor:

I am from what my sociology professor would call a truly dysfunctional family. My mom is a long-time drug abuser. My two brothers are in jail. My grandmother who partially raised me is very ill. There are other members of my family, but for each there is a long story and many challenges. I graduate from college in June. I currently have a 3.0 average in computer science and am considering graduate school, but also have interviewed for some full-time jobs, with excellent salaries and benefits. I have received loans and have had to work constantly to pay for my education. Despite the hardships and difficulties I have faced, I'm going to make it after all, as they say.

Here's my problem. This may seem like a small matter in the scheme of things and I haven't discussed this with anyone else, but I am feeling really sad about my graduation, because I don't have any family that I think can, or will, come. I know all my classmates will have their family members there and it feels like my high school graduation all over again: me, alone in the crowd of happy families. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be able to graduate and I will be there. I know, even if I invite my mom, she may not show up; and if she does, I may be totally humiliated if she comes strung out. Should I invite her and take the risk, or should I go it alone and have a Big Mac dinner after the ceremony by myself?

Wrestling with life in Michigan,
name withheld at writer's request

Dear Wrestling with life,

You've been wrestling through a lot of rounds in your life thus far, and you keep winning. So you will win at this moment of decision as well. Think about it. You can't predict anyone else's behavior and you certainly have enough past experiences to know that you may or may not be able to count on your family at graduation. So don't set yourself up for a setback.

Expect and assume nothing, but by all means, invite your mother and your grandmother. Understand and anticipate that they may not be there. Take great joy in sending out your graduation invitations to other family members, friends, former teachers and anyone else who has been a support system for you at some point in your life. Reflect on how proud they will be, even if they don't show up, that one did leap over your dysfunctional family circumstances and graduate from college. They will, in their hearts, shed tears of joy; not only for your outstanding achievements, but because they may not be in a position to be there in person with you. You will feel their presence, despite their possible absence.

If your mother does come, remember she will be in a large crowd of happy celebrants. It may be a turning point for her and for you. Do not prejudge her behavior and do not be ashamed of her. She may be on her best behavior, you never know. But if not, remember, her behavior may seem glaring to you, but may be inconsequential to others. Just do not focus on it. You may not see her behavior, depending on the graduation seating arrangements. Let nothing destroy the moment for you. Keep focused on how great it feels to have achieved something pretty spectacular in your young life. Give yourself a lot of private, personal praise and march proudly in the commencement line and cherish the day.

Now, there is something else you might want to consider. Why not invite to be among your guests people on campus who have been supportive of you – faculty who care, a counselor, an advisor, a residence hall staff member, undergraduate friends, maybe a member of your church family, etc. By now, people close to you probably have some sense of your family challenges. Certain things are apparent, especially to counselors, even if you have not shared much with them. You may want to confide in them, maybe not, that is really up to you. But consider it. I am certain that there would be people on campus who would consider it an honor to be there to support and celebrate with you. After all, seeing young African-American men and women stubbornly persist against the odds and graduate in higher education is one of the most rewarding of experiences for members of the academy, especially as an African American. Just try to have people surrounding you on that special day, who will join you in making this one of the most exciting days of your life. Participate in all of the senior celebrations so that you can experience full measure the significance of your considerable achievements. Wish I could be there with you!

Linda Bates Parker is the director of the Career Development Center at the University of Cincinnati.