Dear Campus Advisor:

I just finished my first semester of classes for my first year of college. This year has already been more than I could have imagined. I decided to attend a Black college, but I think I based my decision on the wrong things. I was under the impression that I would enjoy life on a Black campus more and that I would enjoy the interaction with the students. I assumed that the parties would be off the hook and that there would be so many potential, available brothers that I would easily have my pick. Since I enrolled here, I have come to regret it. The dorm rooms are small and always hot. I complained to the residence coordinator, and they assured me that the problem is minor and that when they are able to fix the faulty equipment, everything will be fine. But that's not all, in addition to the woes of having no money, horrible cafeteria food, and crazy weather conditions, the social life here is totally tired. Guys all seem to act the same way or to be interested in only one thing, and the jealous girls are the worst. I almost got into it with my roommate because of her newfound friends and the fact that she's been treating me like a total stranger. Every time I think that I have a cool group of people to hang around with, someone always does something to make me reconsider befriending them. I admit that I am picky, but why shouldn't I be? The campus is like a small town. Nothing much seems to happen away from here. I've really been thinking about transferring to a bigger city with more variety a little closer to home. My family thinks I'm fine and should stay, but they don't live here. I don 't feel like I belong here - - why shouldn't I leave? What can I do to get away from here?

Signed,
Freshman With An Attitude

Dear Freshman With An Attitude:

I am very concerned about your state of mind, and I want to help you. You are at least aware that you have an "attitude" and that's a good start. You can only solve your problems once you acknowledge they exist and what you are doing to contribute to them. You raised multiple concerns in your letter. You are right. Your attitude is definitely showing. It seems a bit self-centered and arrogant. You admit to basing a decision as important as college selection on very shallow grounds, and now you're dissatisfied. Although I feel for your interpersonal and social problems, I am more concerned about your academic standing. Not once did you mention your grades or your schoolwork or even how you did this quarter or semester. I'm hopeful that despite flunking the social aspect of your first year in college at least you achieved well in your academics. If this is not the case you may really need a "college success reality check." Most students have some of these adjustment problems that you are facing when they go away to college, but usually not all of them. Why?

1) You are far away from your family and your network of support.

2) You are inexperienced living away from home and making new acquaintances.

3) You have limited funds.

4) You may be unaware that you are exhibiting a spoiled or "high and mighty" attitude that inhibits the healthy development of new friendships.

5) You have newfound independence but are learning the cost of it.

6) You are not entirely sure who you are as a young adult, and you are anxious to find out.

7) You are discovering that college is not just an academic experience, but also a social adventure.

8) You are beginning to learn what really counts in all kinds of interpersonal relationships and that you "win some and lose some."

So what is my advice to you? Grow up! Welcome to college and emerging adulthood! If you're waiting to meet the "super friends," you may find yourself waiting in vain. You will have a multitude of people coming into your life, but most will not become your close friends. Some friends may seem great for a while, but the friendship fades over time. Some acquaintances may be great "hanging buddies"; however, you may find little in common with them long-term. The real important thing to remember is to keep growing and learning about yourself. Be more discerning in the people you associate with and more humble in your appreciation of a true friend when you get one. If you find out you have fair-weather friends, change the climate on them.

Also reassess your perspective and attitude about your college. Isn't it a bit arrogant to think that everything on campus would meet your expectations when you really did not know what to expect to begin with? Most students hate college food because it's not like what they're used to. Get over it! Most have problems adjusting to new roommates and dorm space. Most have difficulty making new friends. How sad that you did not do more research on college life and your college choice, its history and culture, before your selection. But it's not too late. Read about the proud history of Black colleges. Immerse yourself in the history and its distinctive traditions at your institution. Get involved in events that allow you to develop school spirit and to become more connected on campus. You'll find yourself feeling more a part of this college, busier than you ever were and possibly involved with a better quality of students.

The last thing I want to address is the transfer syndrome. So many freshman students assume that they will have fewer adjustment problems if they transfer elsewhere. This is not necessarily so. Don't be a wimp. So the going is a little tough; this is the challenge of being in college. You need to learn and value the full college experience - not just the social aspects. Above all, Miss Attitude, I'd like to see a serious commitment to something academically related. You've already proven you can party and hang out, and these things may never end. However, your college career just might end, if you continue to be so narrowly focused. If you can't swim in the small pond, what makes you think you can navigate the ocean? Right now, transferring to a bigger school closer to home is no better a decision than the one you made to get you here. Grow up! Your parents were right--stay put. After another year of giving it your best, if you still want to make a change, do it, but for educationally sound reasons only.

Linda Bates Parker is the director of the Career Development Center at the University of Cincinnati.