Dear Campus Advisor:

I am in a committed relationship after three years of dating while in college, never really finding someone for me. Meeting this person has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him and I believe we will marry when I graduate. He already graduated and is working. I have two more years to go. Here's the situation. From the day we met, we were attracted to each other. I tried everything to be in the same place that he was, until he started to talk to me and then asked me out. Our first three months of dating were like a dream. We would surprise each other with silly gifts. He wrote poems to me. We laughed so much. We talked on the phone for hours. We could not wait to see each other. We wanted to spend every minute together. We kissed and hugged and couldn't keep our hands off of each other. Well we've now been dating for five months and something has happened. He's working more overtime. When I call him, he seems bored and doesn't want to talk for hours like we used to. We argue about little, stupid things now and we never argued before. He'll say he's coming over after work and then call and say he's tired and is going home instead. He used to take me to really nice places all the time. Now we sit around watching TV most evenings when he does come over, and even on some weekends. Don't
get me wrong, he is still very loving and he still does very special things that show me that he cares. And I have been trying to figure out how to do things that will please him. But our relationship isn't the same. I feel different and so does he. We're trying to figure out what happened and how to fix it. Do you have any suggestions?

Desperately Trying To Stay In Love

Dear Desperately Trying:

I think you may be feeling a desperation that is unnecessary. Here's why. You mentioned in your second to last sentence in your letter that "We're trying to figure out what happened and how to fix it." The words "we are trying" are a very important clue, in trying to assess your situation from a distance. Another clue is that you said you both feel different. I believe that people are constantly growing and developing and that in order for a relationship to thrive and survive, the relationship must grow and develop as well. The fact that you still care and demonstrate your caring for each other and believe that you have a future together tells me that he has not done anything to violate your trust in him or vice versa and that is also very encouraging.

I believe that you and your beloved are simply going through the natural stages of a developing relationship and I'd like to share them with you. These insights are not scientific, but are the result of my living in a committed loving relationship for over 30 years!

Stages of Relationships

1. Flirtation
In this stage, you are just trying to attract someone to you. You always try to look your best. You seek outlets to meet someone - parties, clubs, sports events, etc. Special efforts are made to catch the attention of someone you could be interested in. You are in the stage of just making a connection. And when you do, you move to the next stage.

2. Fantasy
In this stage you have connected with someone. Your heart beats rapidly anytime you see or think about this person. You are totally absorbed in being in this person's company. Time seems to stand still when you are together. Sexual attraction is so intense; you find yourself calling or going to see this person in the middle of the night, just to sooth your intense desires. You compel that person's attention. You mold yourself to fit their interests/needs. You may even fake interests or behaviors (not recommended) just to keep this connection. You are very cautious about saying the wrong thing, not knowing how the other will take it. This person seems to be the most important person in the world to you. Friends and family complain that they never see you any more. You are blind to the person's faults or consider them insignificant. This stage is extraordinarily powerful, terribly exhausting and is guaranteed not to last!

3. Familiarization
At this stage of your developing relationship, you begin to learn that this person is really just a human being. You've seen them in relaxed situations when they are not dressed up, when they are not trying to please you, when they are just being real. Both of you start testing out how to tell the other person what you really feel. You notice that he's a little sloppy. He notices that you are very stubborn. Your life gets back to normal. Work and school take on importance again. You discover that you are behind in your schoolwork. He discovers that his finances are in trouble - due to wining and dining you so much. Reality sets in. But since you have been on a fantasy trip, you do not know what reality is. In this stage, you discover so much more about each other and - if the relationship survives - you learn how to accommodate your differences and how to deal with the candor that has now come into the relationship. You may even learn how to argue with each other and still come away feeling loved and respected, though you may still disagree. No long-term relationship can survive, in my opinion, until you have learned to wrestle with differences and come out whole, not torn to pieces. During these periods, you may need to take a break from each other. Trying to find your common bond is exhausting. Even your sexual desires may seem less intense. During this period, it is natural to raise questions such as: "What are we doing? Where are we going? Is something wrong? Focusing on the things that you both can do to sweeten the relationship takes you to the next and very critical stage.

4. Friendship
Some relationships never make it to this point. Enduring relationships are based on friendship. Friends love and accept you as you are. Yet they also see your potential and support you in your efforts to self-actualize. A friend will be with you through changes in your personality or being and still cherish you. Real friends can criticize you without making you feel terrible and they look out for your best interest. Real friends make you laugh and are there to comfort you when you cry. Real friends do not need presents to be there for you, nor do they need to only see you at your best. Lovers who have also become friends build to relationships that survive the test of time. Men and women with positive lifetime partners have discovered not only how to be one with each other, but also how to give space to the other to be all that he or she can be as an individual. Love that endures for a lifetime has friendship at its core.

5. Formalization
In this and many other societies, lovers seek ways of confirming their love by making a commitment of some kind to each other. In today's world, commitment takes many forms and every couple must grapple with what it means to them. When you are in a committed relationship, you accept personal boundaries - not because you have to - but because you want to. Keeping commitments of any kind are difficult. No one has kept a commitment just because someone asked or expected him/her to. A commitment is a personal contract a person makes, not just with another person, but with himself or herself. When couples move to this stage of a relationship they are looking to spend their future together. Issues of sharing and trust are key. While this is not the end of the stages of relationship development, it is the end of the cycle of courtship. What follows is a lifetime of connections and reconnections, based on the strength of the formalization process. While this stage does not sound nearly as sexy and exciting as the earlier stages, it has a strength and depth that one will learn to cherish over time.

I hope this helps you to better look at your current relationship and assess where it is and where it is going. Just keep talking and being open to discovering more about each other. Look for ways to sweeten the relationship each day. Give space for each of you to pursue your interests and dreams. Take comfort in knowing that a relationship that is destined to last goes through exactly what you are experiencing right now. Never let love blind you, however. If it is meant to be, it will be.

Linda Bates Parker is the director of the Career Development Center at the University of Cincinnati.