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Campus Advisor
This installment: Lonely in Indiana; "Bad reputation"
By Linda Bates Parker
Dear Campus Advisor:
I have a problem. I am a sophomore in college and I
have studied hard to be a good student and to get good grades. I did not
know what to expect when I came to college. I am the first of my family
to even go to college. My family is poor. I’m on a scholarship, so I
have to make it. I made the Dean’s List this year.
So what is the problem?
I feel scared that if I don’t study as hard as I can,
I might fail. I can’t afford to lose this opportunity to get ahead. I
have been so focused on my schoolwork and getting good grades that I
don’t have time for anything else. I study all the time. College is no
joke. I think I’m pretty smart. But it seems like everyone in my classes
is smart, too. And because my experiences are different from theirs, I
sometimes feel reluctant to give my thoughts in class. I’m afraid I may
be wrong or sound stupid. When teachers call on me, I sometimes just say
I agree with what another student said. My problem is I feel like the
fun part of college is passing me by. I don’t have any close friends. My
only friend, who came from my hometown, got pregnant and dropped out in
my freshman year. I have roommates but they stick together and party a
lot, and I am embarrassed at some of the things they say and do, so I
stick with my books. I have not had a date since I’ve been here. I’ve
gone to a couple of dances but I felt so alone, I didn’t stay. A guy in
one of my classes asked me out a few weeks ago, but I had a major
assignment to do and said no. I’m still in classes with him. But he
hasn’t asked me again. I don’t even know if I would like him.
Maybe I should just stick with my books, but it sure
gets lonesome. Do you have any suggestions for me?
Thank you.
Tiffany in Indiana
Dear Tiffany:
Let’s first examine your academic progress. Despite your
background, you are meeting the academic demands of college. Great! It
is so important that you have taken the time to really make the grade
academically before making the grade socially. College is difficult. You
do have to focus and study and attend classes and study more. You also
have to trust that the education you have gained from your life
experiences is an important perspective to be shared in the classroom,
regardless of the topic. Stop worrying about sounding silly and try
answering your professors’ questions. You might be surprised at just how
smart you are! If your answer is wrong, ask why and you will learn from
your mistake. The only dumb question is the one not asked. So ask
questions. The college classroom is your learning laboratory.
Participating in class is a very important aspect of your education,
because it makes you think. So do not fail at this. By sharing your
unique insights and experiences, you can enrich a class discussion and
inform others, regardless of how smart they may appear to be. So find
your voice and share your thoughts. It is in your best interest.
Remember, you will have to articulate your knowledge and capabilities
when you pursue an internship or interview for a full-time job. By the
way, when you involve yourself in classroom discussions, you reveal more
of who you are as a person. Classmates may see you in a whole new light.
You might be asked to participate in a study group or a classmate may
share exam questions that the professor has online that you didn’t know
about. Or that nice young man might approach you again!
Now, to your social life on campus. Your biggest
problem, one you are already desiring to correct, is not having time for
a healthy social life. When it really becomes important, you will make
time for it. Realizing that you are missing something is key. Let me put
it into perspective for you. A college education is so much more than
simply classroom learning and studying. The full collegiate experience
includes extracurricular activities, experiential learning and building
social networks, all of which will benefit you for a lifetime. Most
colleges and universities consider the well-rounded student to be one
who not only excels academically, but is involved in campus activities,
who takes on leadership opportunities, and who makes the campus a better
place because of her involvement. There are so many campus organizations
to get involved with that address everything including health and
wellness, women’s issues, politics, intramural sports, music and
community service. Just look up from your books and see what’s out
there.
Try to get over the first hurdle of going to a meeting
or an event by yourself. The best way to handle this is to go with the
purpose of learning something. Explore joining an organization that
might be of interest to you. If you focus on learning something, you’ll
ask questions, locate literature or talk to the person in charge. Your
other purpose should be to meet someone else and to learn as much about
them as you can. My aunt always said to me, “If you want to have a
friend, be a friend first.” So don’t wait for someone to befriend you.
Try going over to someone in a crowded room who looks alone too and
greet them. This simple gesture could start a conversation and a budding
friendship. You will have some hits and misses. But keep trying. Soon
you will connect with someone whose company you would enjoy. And, in the
meantime, at least you are getting out of your shell and finding out
about college social life, before your college days pass you by.
Oh, by the way, next time you go to class with that
young man who asked you out, you approach him and ask, “What are you
doing this weekend?!”
Sincerely,
Your Campus Advisor
Dear Campus Advisor:
I am a very attractive Black female student in my
junior year at college. I have had several steady boyfriends, but only
one that I really loved. I’ve slept around a lot trying to find that
special guy for me. But now, I’ve gotten the reputation of being a
“freak” because these guys have been running their mouths. How come I
get a bad reputation and they get away clean?
(name withheld at student’s request)
Dear Nameless:
Only time will tell who is really getting away “clean” in the
situation you describe. What evidence do you have that guys are talking
and labeling you? What do you think about your own behavior? How did you
lose the guy you loved? How much sleeping around have you done? Do you
know the difference between sex and love? Why are you in college?
Your letter raises far more questions than I can answer in this
column. But I want you to take a close look at what you are and what you
want to become. What does your inner voice tell you about yourself right
now? What are your needs and what are your values? Where is your
self-esteem? How would a man of value view you? To find a good man or to
just maintain a good reputation requires good judgment, good taste and
good behavior. You must be satisfied with your self-image and your
reputation, or else you would be asking me how to change them. If not,
take a look at yourself and make a change. Life is not always fair, and
no one will think better of you than you think of yourself. Looks are
only skin deep and will soon fade away. Character resides deep within.
Find yours. When you find yourself, you will find your purpose. When you
have purpose in your life, you’ll stop casting your fate to the wind or
any guy who passes by. You are on a path to self-destruction. Turn the
corner. Take the high road. Run don’t walk. Tomorrow offers you a chance
to reinvent yourself. Get ready.
Sincerely,
Your Campus Advisor
 P.S. Without going into the morality issue, this is a terribly
dangerous time to be carelessly sleeping around.
Linda Bates Parker is the director of the Career
Development Center at the University of Cincinnati. |
