Black Collegian Career Center

My point is that we often overlook our strengths. This can also be said about failures. When things go wrong, especially in school or work, we often blame ourselves. Taking things personally such as failing an exam or a poor performance evaluation is a reaction based in emotion. It is challenging to avoid taking disappointments personally. Evelyn Kwanza, voice teacher and singer, believes, "It is imperative to nix the negative messages of oneself. It is helpful to have one's self worth wrapped up in God and not in what society, a potential employer, or what anyone else says. I am learning that positive messages are keys to getting me through disappointments."

Time and Space

Allowing ourselves time for emotions is important provided there is a way to work through them. One step in letting go and moving on is having an objective viewpoint. A strategy in moving into an objective perspective is to de-personalize your viewpoint. Almost everything can be depersonalized. Doing this requires positive thinking and positive information to replace negative thoughts and negative information. Once you have experienced negative emotions that result from failure, you'll be better able to identify the information you will need to move on. People often say, "If I could do xyz over again, I would." This is because the emotional aspects of the failure are gone. It has become possible to use the new information they have discovered to increase their understanding.

We often rely on friends and family for sympathy and understanding. What we get from them is acceptance based on their love and caring for us regardless of our accomplishments or failures. If our friends and family can do this, we should be able to do this for ourselves.

Negative and Positive "Self Talk"

Being able to recognize any negative "self talk" that we do is important. It can be difficult, but it is essential in preparing for future challenges. Roy V. Hill, II, founder and host of a weekly religious television program, "The Word" in Burlington, Vermont, and member of the Board of Directors for the Vermont Ecumenical Council, says, "There are primarily two sources, besides parental advice, that help me maintain a positive attitude. One is wisdom from renowned leaders like Dr. Gardner C. Taylor (retired Pastor of New York's Concord Baptist Church of God in Christ) and the other is the Bible." He says, "The New Testament tells us that the human tongue has the ability to speak into existence both negatives and positives." His 'self talk' includes the reminder from the Book of Philippians to 'think on things' that are: true, honest, just, pure, of good report, and lovely."

Some women need to pay special attention to negative messages created in our own minds. While men and women are equally capable of negative "self talk" or having a failure mentality, more women seem to have this tendency. Because some of our conditioning allows negative images to enter our view of ourselves at an unconscious level, undoing these messages requires digging deeply. Even women, who seem successful, prosperous and generally confident, often respond to positive feedback with comments like, "It was a stroke of luck,"  " I've been so fortunate," or "I couldn't have done it without you."

While recognizing the assistance or support of others is important, too often our conditioning tells us to downplay our success for fear of seeming over confident. It is significant to note that these traits, when observed in men aren't usually met with the same kind of intimidation. Unfortunately, it sends a mixed message that says, "I am not completely in control."  This type of message is destructive and unproductive. It diminishes others' views of our competence. More importantly, the internal message it perpetuates is, "I am not completely in control of my failures either."  I believe it is for this reason, women struggle more with moving out of the emotional trouble failure may cause in comparison to men. This is the underlying tenant of the failure mentality that should be understood, avoided, and reprogrammed by any means necessary. Sometimes confidence has to be re-built. Reminding oneself of accomplishments or the skills it took to achieve a goal is a good way to maintain a positive attitude toward future success.

Moving On

When a project fails or a promotion is denied, you may find yourself saying, "why did I think I could do that anyway?"  The answer should be, " because given the right circumstances, the right information, resources, etc., I would have been successful."   Making a clear assessment of what went wrong is very different from making excuses. If you begin the steps of understanding what went wrong and find yourself making excuses, you may need more time for letting go of the emotional aspect of what has occurred.

Make sure you have really let go of the emotions attached to whatever has gone wrong for you before you begin preparing for your next challenge. For example, if you made it to the final round of interviews for your "dream job" or promotion, but didn't end up being the best candidate for the position, there is valuable information you can obtain from the interviewer, or interviewing team.

If after scoring poorly on an exam you were sure you would ace, you envision yourself marching up to your professor, demanding to know how he/she came up with the grade, only to use it as an opportunity to tell her what you really think and what he/she can do with the exam, you may not have reached the most objective point of view you are capable of yet.

An Informed Assessment

When you are at an objective point mentally and emotionally, getting feedback about the qualifications that were found in the other candidate will help you gather the information you'll need to prepare for future success. You may learn that the other candidate had two or three years more experience than you, but otherwise possessed similar skills. The new information you have to work with is that in a year or two, you will be considered qualified. Then, the choice will be yours to wait for the position to become available again or to seek a similar position elsewhere.

In regard to the failure of something that has more components involved such as a special project or a sales campaign, assessing what went wrong may require more work. Errors in planning, strategies, and the like include more detail. If a plan was created and executed with the effort of two or more people, there are more involved levels and aspects to consider. Listing the external and internal factors can be a productive exercise.

An example of an external factor could be the economy. With today's changing economy, it is a major factor involved in the success or failure of many projects, business ventures, or sales of major goods and services. Although many companies in today's global marketplace have embraced the obvious benefits of accessing e-commerce through the development of Web sites and other online expansions of their business, some companies have not. You may have seen the value in a sales campaign that included an online aspect as a means to tapping the booming e-commerce that continues to grow by the minute. For some companies and more specifically, some individuals, the time hasn't come for them yet. A moderately to very successful company may not be ready to take a risk and invest in the training, time and effort necessary for participating in the Internet marketplace. That does not mean the timing won't ever be right. A response of "no" may mean not now.

If your ideas have been presented in a positive and professional manner, your foot is at least in the door. Roxanne Neilson, construction and facilities consultant, in Westchester County, New York says, "Earlier in my career, after finishing five years in the trenches as a carpenter and welder, I approached a headhunter to try and break into construction project management. I was disappointed at my immediate rejection. I called the service several times. The agent explained that many of the PM's had advanced engineering degrees, but suggested that I get some entry-level project experience {and I did}, said Neilson. "I took a low-level administrative position with a small construction consulting firm. It was at times humiliating, providing clerical services and reporting to guys that had little or no experience in the field. But, I got to see their failures without the stress of being in charge. Biding my time, eventually a project that no one else wanted in a 'bad' neighborhood came up. I volunteered. Five years later after successive and increasing levels of responsibility, I opened my own consulting practice. Timing, patience and internal fortitude during difficult periods are really keys to long-term success."

Internal factors such as negative self talk, a fear of success, or the inability to visualize oneself in a new, more powerful position can be a major stumbling block to remove. A common mistake many people make that prevents the opportunity for success from presenting itself is not trying again. Asking yourself if the failed project or proposal could be modified and made to work can be helpful in re-focusing your thoughts from the disappointment of the past to the possibilities of the future.

A different job opportunity, project, sales campaign, etc., may also be in order. The decision about the timing of your next move is an individual one. Some people may need more time than others in moving on to a new project or a promotion. By extracting the positive from the negative and learning from the experience, you will be prepared to create new opportunities for success.